There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just found a bag of teeth...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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