On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
