He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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