my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
tequila makes me forget i have legs
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
