just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
