One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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