I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
