If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
