I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You had me at "let me see your balls"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
