enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
