apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
