Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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