Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
