me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
