Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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