You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I checked into jail on foursquare
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
