Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
