i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
