well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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