I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Two words: nipple clamps
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