I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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