How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
