If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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