We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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