We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
