seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
