i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
