His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
