So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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