It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
