i just had sex bonerless
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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