sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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