I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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