shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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