I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Houston, we have a blender
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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