I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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