sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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