i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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