God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
