Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize