you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
