Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
