Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
