I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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