and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
