Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
She told me I should be a condom model.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
