There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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