I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize