Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
