I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I need moral support for this bender
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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