I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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