i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
