I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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