I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
O.K.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
