woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
