guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
