I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
