I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
