I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
