I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
