Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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