I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
